These Days...

I've been touching Myself with fingers that wish they were Yours.

The Jingle Ball...

A great name for a Nudist's Christmas party.

How I Wish To Be Remembered...

A Modern-Day Descartes.

The Cycle...

Thank Fuck I never had a daughter.

The Cycle ends with Me.

She'll never have to put up with an Arse like him.

Running With Knifes (As Opposed To Scissors)...

I'm putting the knives away.

That's how much I care.

When It Counts...

When it counts I'm there.

When it Counts I don't judge You.

When it counts I Stand by you.

I've Stood by.

The Difference...

I don't masterbate.

I fuck Myself.

There's a differance.

Only I...

Only I know what I have done

Quote Of The Day...

I give the same kind of head whether I'm wearing lipstick or not.

The Plan...

The Plan...

...is not to deviate from The Plan.

The Look...

Twelve year old boy, you say?

Because that's the Exact look I was trying to achieve.

By The Way...

People tell Me all the time I'm Better than You.

The Names Friends Call You...

Pete...Rupert...Rick...

Not even close!

Unisexual...

I've decided.

I'm a Unisexual.

If He Was Me...

If He was Me...

...He would've been home by now.

Forrest Gimp...

In the tradition of Forrest Gimp...

Like is like a 69er.

You should only give as good as you get.

Klinger...

I cling to You ...

because You're all I know.

Forgive Me But...

I wouldn't want to go on Pre-Teen Big Brother.

The Generation Gap...

First there was the War babies.

Then the Baby Boomers. Then the Flower Children.

Then Generation X spawned Generation Why Me...

The Answer To Everything...

He's just got to stop believing that I'm ugly.

The Sixth Sense...

My Sixth Sense tells Me...

I say mean things.

Goodness...

Is it an act of godness; or goodness?

god...

god Was a scientist.

Available For Parties...

Only a Buffoon would wear a t-shirt that says Available For Parties.

To a Wake.

(True Story)

About Me...

Can Talk.

Dinner Invitation...

Dinner offer reduced to Cheese on Toast.

Same conditions apply.

Fuck I'm Good...

Just call Me Fig.

The Anti-Climax...

Farting whilst popping a zit.

Empathy...

It's Not a disease!

The Breadwinner...

My Mother may have been the breadwinner...

...but She's never even planned one meal.

Emoism...

Emoism...

A characteristic displayed by an Emo.

P.S For My Hubby...

You are so Not cute.

The News Is Good...

Apparently I suck.

At giving head.

In The Hot Seat...

There's Nothing comforting about a warm toilet seat in the morning; especially when you live in a house with three boys...

Fuck-Up...

Don't you think I heard you when you first called me a Fuck-Up?

I don't need to hear it Eleven fucking times.

Great Advice For Toddlers...

Next time...

...don't wait until you're about to shit your pants.

Guess What...

You're the one who can be replaced.

The Point Is...

What's the .

Wrong Opinion...

No one ever asked you for your wrong opinion.

Round #1287...

We made up on Sunday...

It's over 'til Round #1287.

New Goals...

One beer.

One cone.

One ciggie.

Per day.

Why give up those addictions?

I've Decided...

To give my Hubby beautiful dinners for a week...

...and a head job every night.

Happy 35th Joshua

Love Buffoon x

Floaties...

I took a sip of my little Son's drink...

...and then I saw the Floaties.

The Text Buffoon Wrote...

I'll pick you up 'cos I kno how much you hate relying on anyone but your Dog Wife- and I'm going fishing on Sat and I don't give a fuck what you say.

Please Stop Trying...

Fuck me as hard as you like...

...but please Please stop trying to stab me in the arse with that penis.

Piece Of Piss...

I don't even want to be near you.

You piece of piss.

Bite Me...

You won't bite...

...because it's True.

Right Now...

I want you to leave.

I'd give anything just to see that.

And Yet...

And yet I can't rely on You for Anything.

They Know...

My children will forgive me.

They know who I am.

Still A Fuckwit...

There's no audience to see...

...but You're still a fuckwit.

You Name It...

You've found some value in Me but you still can't name it.

Good Intentions...

Good intentions don't mean shit.

Misnomer...

Intelligent white trash.

Merle's Cloud...

A cloud just went passed that looked like Old Merle.

I saw you Merle. Good one.

You knew I was looking out for you.

Things You Can't Take Back...

"I'm leaving you as soon as I don't have to rely on you".

Hubby. 4th March 2007.

Let It Go...

No wonder.

You don't bother.

I'm just a piece of shit after all.

This time has passed for us. Bye.

I'm over you, too.

Wish we could just let it go.

It was over before it began.

New Motto...

Take Nothing Back.

Before We Began...

I was seventeen with the World at my feet.

Martyr...

Martyr?

Humble.

I Lied...

If I told you that it didn't rip me apart...

I lied.

Rank...

Whose company do I prefer?

Mac. M. Twinkle Toes. CC. Daz. Jen Jen. Fido. Norty. Miss Fancy Pants. Hubby.

The First Time...

For the first time...

He said he was going to leave me and I wasn't scared.

Cold Turkey...

I gave birth naturally twice.

Going Cold Turkey should be a piece of piss.

It ain't.

Go The Fuck Ahead...

So you say you want to dump me?

Why don't you go the fuck ahead.

Useless Fact For The Day #296

I can carry $100.90 worth of groceries.

Ernie and Bert...

My Hubby is an Ernie when compared to my Bert.

Bloggio Ergo Sum...

I blog.

Therefore I am.

Hurts Like Buggery...

Anal sex; Hurts like Buggery.

Insults...

Is that It?

All you have are insults.

My T-Shirt Says...

Just an Observer

Truth Hurts...

How does it feel to have your kids laugh at you?

Silence Of The Dog...

You talk to the dog 'cos the dog don't talk back...

The Words To My Little Son's New Song...

Tiny Kangeroo's...

Down Sport!

All That Matters...

What matters is that I still love sucking you off.

We can get through anything.

Cleaners...

Cleaners start at the bottom...

Bush Confidence...

I think all girls need a little Bush Confidence.

and I'm not talking about George W...

Grow The Fuck Up...

I just wanna say to my Hubby...

Grow The Fuck Up!

My Motto For The Day...

Give credit when credits due

Stop...

Stop taking your shit out on Me

Doesn't Make You Right...

Putting me down doesn't make you right.

Say What???

Dicely fine one onion.

Fireworks...

I doubt that fireworks have the same effect in the Middle East.

Pretty Please...

Can somebody else buy all my kids' Christmas presents this year?

Good Fucking Question...

If drugs are so bad for you then why do they feel so fucking good?

Go Figure...

I'm a god damn Virgo and I live in a pig-sty.

Better On Paper...

I look...better on paper.

The Big Question...

Who did the dinosaurs pray to?

You Love Bum Sex...

Things Not to write on the shower wall with foam alphabet letters- especially if your hubby isn't planning on showering that night- but your teenage son is...

You Love Bum Sex.

At least he saw the funny side of it...

Tell Me Why...

Tell me Why I don't like Mondays being played on a Thursday?

Cum Ova...

Cum Ova.

That's how the trouble begins...

Things Not To Say To Butchers # 292...

I'll have a piece of your best gib.

Cos I like it.

Simple Creature...

I'm a simpler creature than you.

Don't try to fix me.

You're the one who's broken...

Get Over It...

The truth is that I cut it.

And you don't.

So get over it.

Get It???

Does fungus get it?

Excuses Excuses...

Don't use me as your excuse.

I don't use you for mine.

Shinjuries...

Shinjuries...injuries sustained to the shins

Hormotional

Hormotional...an emotional condition brought on by one's one hormones

Scared Cake...

We were at the Park...

Me: There's lot of birds around here, huh?

My Little Son: Don't say that to my cake- you'll make it scared.

Not Dead Yet...

I've been dying now for 11060 days.