My First Poem...Since Ages Ago

I may just be a housewife Now
I don't have any money
But I am thinking of a plan and
It's seriously funny
I'll sell my book one day- you'll see
Though you'd rather watch it burn
But that's because it's full of hate and all the nastiness I've heard
Then I'll be rich; I'll buy this house
Though I'd rather have another
And then I'll kick your arse straight out
And You'll go home to mother.

My Kind Of People...

The person who loves me best calls me things like Fingerpuppet.

The person I like to talk to the most calls me things like Cumrag and Yoghurt Slit.

The person who I value as my truest friend at the moment told me to get back to my truckstop at

Izzo- which for those of you who don't know is a scuzz suburb near mine full of whores and junkies.

My kind of people.

Really.

Somebody Wish Me Luck...

Today I start the first job that I've had in fourteen years.

I'll be flipping burgers in a milk bar.

Sounds better than an office job anyway.

How do you do it???

Do you mean to tell me that you've driven to the shops twice and Still forgotten to buy the smokes??

Ay Ee Eye Ow You...

Is that a pen or a pin?

Sorry.

I'm a Vowellist.

In My Thirties...

When I was sixteen none of the boys wanted me.

When I was twenty no one but my Hubby wanted me.

Now that I'm in my thirties I find I'm being haunted by all the guys who haven't met anyone yet.

Guess what?

You're too late.

New Petition Starting...

Four weeks annual leave for parents.

I'd vote for Whoever bought that in.

My New Undies...

They might not be girly-girly but at least they don't have a pouch.

Attention Hubby...

You are going to have to perform numerous love acts on me when you get home tonight.

2005...

I guess you could say I've had a mixed yaer.

November Twenty Five Two Thousand and Five...

Yobbo's favourite song was just on the radio.

It would have been his birthday today if he were still alive.

Still missing you Yob.

The Secret's Out...

The secret ingredient in my bolognaise sauce is...barbecue sauce.

To My Soul Brother Col...

Happy Birthday Bro.

September Six Forever.

It's Not Even My Birthday...

Why are the dishes done?

Did you cheat on me or something?

I Feel Worse...

I feel worse now than I did a minute ago. Before I had that bong I felt okay.

Sort of.

No I didn't.

But I feel worse now. Someone is sitting on my chest.

Is this what rock bottom feels like?

Pay No Attention To Me...

I'm either still drunk or hungover.

What Do Women Want???

It's simple really.

They want men to stop asking stupid questions like "What do women want?" and to shut up and just listen.

Women don't have to ask the question " What do men want?".

Because all know the answer to that one.

So Far This Week...

I've stabbed my own scar

I've won twenty dollars at a trivia night and movie tix off the radio

I've cooked four awesome kebabs

Decided that the Howler Monkey is my favourite animal at the zoo

Picked all colours of odd things out of my teeth with a nail file

Won a fluffy stubby holder that could double as a cocksock

Sorry...

I can't come out and play today.

I've got too much washing up to do.

My One and Only...

The one and only time I've ever cheated on my Hubby was in front of him.

The worst present of all...

A banged up roll-a-door. For my sixteenth birthday present.

Honestly- that's all I got from my Parents.

How I Knew...

The reason I knew that she liked me was because she kept saying my name every five seconds.

I didn't mind...she was kinda hot

My Biggest Feat...

I've taught two people how to speak when they once had no words.

Mind over Matter...

A talent you obviously don't possess, Golden Shower Boy.

And if I'm a dirty slut it's only because I didn't fuck you.

Even if I was a dirty slut you still aren't my type.

Big Brother

If Big Brother is always watching...

then I hope he's enjoying the show.

I mean Really....

There's no such thing as a Responsible Drunk.

So how can he expect me to be one???

And Now???

A minute ago I thought I had a problem.

A second ago I thought I was dying.

And now all I want is another cone...

I Dare You..

Go make love to yourself.

The Evil Eye...

A Currajwong just gave someone the evil eye.

That person was me.

There's a first time for everything...

For the first time in thirty two years my thighs look old.

Did Ya?

Fuck I must have a dud memory.

If my Mother for one second believes she drove us around or helped us organise our lives then she is the deluded one.

What A Guy...

He gave me a mull rose.

Today eye...

Today I swatted flies off my leg for the best part of an hour.

They don't count; they aren't animals.

I Am Nuts

It's thirty two degrees.

The only bubbler in the park is rat-shit.

And I'm sitting here on the bench eating Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs.

The way my little Son loiters I am fifteen minutes away from water.

But how I love the ones that are chuncked together.

I Am Someone...

"No one will be there" he warned me as I went to the pub last Tuesday.

"No; I'll be there- and I Am Somebody" I told him.

And then I left.

What Not To Do..

Go for a drunken nudie-run in a Bad park with my Hubby's mate.

Who gives a shit?

I felt sad.

So I peeled two onions.

Me

Guess What?

This is how I am.

Don't be angry at me for being Me.

I miss him still...

My dead cat sends me signs. The last one was his toy mouse showing up on his grave-site. The only photo of him I have is with him with a toy mouse. I'll show it to you if you don't believe me.. It's exactly the same as the picture I drew six months before I even owned the cat. Spooky hey?

A grey tabby chasing a white mouse. Exactly the same as the one and only photo my thirteen year old Son took of the cat the same day we bought him home from the RSPCA. My Hubby was impressed that the cat had a tattoo in his ear.

It's still fresh.

And I miss him still.

Wouldn't You?

You'd still rather spend your time with strangers than with me.

THC

Someone should remind me every hour that THC is a toxin- killing the villi in my lungs one by one. I feel them dying; my lungs are too full.

One small favour...

Can you add Me to your Blog?

I want all your friends to read about me.

The Worst Thing Is..

He hates the best parts of Me.

This Is What He Said..

Git back home you lie ing bitch.

I hate how he spells.

Thoghuts

I should learn Braille so I can type my thoghuts while I meditate.

That wasn't a typo.

Hey Guess What?

I wouldn't stay if it was always like this.

I Don't Care

You should have gotten in the car with me.

And I don't care if somebody had already bought you a beer.

Nineteen forever

I have absolutley made changes in my life recently. You, howver, cannot say the same. You are static.

Nineteen Forever.

The worst thing...

The worst thing you can ever do is make an example of Me.

Really Fucking Funny...

Really fucking funny Twinkle Toes.

You know who you are.

Twinkle Toes

Really fucking funny Twinkle Toes.

You know who you are.

I'm Allowed..

I'm allowed to be moody.

I've got my period.

Sliver

Just sitting here waiting for a fairytale to come my way; a bit like Anastacia.

Then I cut my finger aka Sleeping Beauty style on a sliver of Cinderella's glass slipper.

You're Wrong

What's it gonna take for you to be wrong?

Me to walk out on you?

Flashfoonery

Not too many people are gonna Google that word.

Narcolepsy

Today it was revealed that Jeff Wiggle has been diagnosed with Narcolepsy.

He will no longer be able to drive the Big Red Car.