Good Fucking Question...

If drugs are so bad for you then why do they feel so fucking good?

Go Figure...

I'm a god damn Virgo and I live in a pig-sty.

Better On Paper...

I look...better on paper.

The Big Question...

Who did the dinosaurs pray to?

You Love Bum Sex...

Things Not to write on the shower wall with foam alphabet letters- especially if your hubby isn't planning on showering that night- but your teenage son is...

You Love Bum Sex.

At least he saw the funny side of it...

Tell Me Why...

Tell me Why I don't like Mondays being played on a Thursday?

Cum Ova...

Cum Ova.

That's how the trouble begins...

Things Not To Say To Butchers # 292...

I'll have a piece of your best gib.

Cos I like it.

Simple Creature...

I'm a simpler creature than you.

Don't try to fix me.

You're the one who's broken...

Get Over It...

The truth is that I cut it.

And you don't.

So get over it.

Get It???

Does fungus get it?

Excuses Excuses...

Don't use me as your excuse.

I don't use you for mine.

Shinjuries...

Shinjuries...injuries sustained to the shins

Hormotional

Hormotional...an emotional condition brought on by one's one hormones

Scared Cake...

We were at the Park...

Me: There's lot of birds around here, huh?

My Little Son: Don't say that to my cake- you'll make it scared.

Not Dead Yet...

I've been dying now for 11060 days.

Dennis The Penis...

Dennis the Penis.

Who says I don't rhyme?

What Gets Me Off...

It gets me off getting you off.

No No No...

I haven't said No to anybody today.

No wonder I feel like I've been fucked up the arse twice.

No Choice...

You shouldn't feel like you've got any other choice but to be here either.

Mistake...

Don't ever mistake that you are safe.

The First Five Years...

Having children doesn't ruin your Life.

It just feels that way for the first five years.

You Fuck My Body...

You fuck my body

Then ignore my mind...

Birthday Pallindrome...

06/09/06

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Happy 200th Post for News Flash!!

Crocodile Tears...

Steve Irwin- The Crocodile Hunter- died this morning near Cairns, Australia- from the result of a stingray barb directly to the lung.

Thoughts are with Terri, Bindi and baby Bob.

He was a fair dinkum Aussie and he will be sadly and fondly missed.

The Difference Between Me And You...

The difference between you and me is that I care about how you feel.

If Housework Is Nothing...

If housework is Nothing then lets see how long for that Nothing gets done.

Get A Life...

Don't tell me to Get a Life and then deny me having one.

The Barber Shop Blues...

I haven't been to the hairdresser's in fifteen years.

And even then it was a Barber Shop.

For Free...

You can laugh at my expense...

For Free.

Height Of Rudeness...

Being put on hold by a Telemarketer is...

The Height of Rudeness.

Sadly None...

Over Winter I've put on five kilos...

Sadly None of it's gone to my tits.

All The Words...

Someone should have copy-written the Alphabet.

I wish it were Me, Genie.

Then I could own all the words.

The Last Thing...

The Last thing I want to feel is what you do.

Key Words...

Aren't anymore baby beds
Barbecue Best
Better...

Big Bitch blog
Boy buffoon
Car
Change days...

Down drinking Drunk
Face Fact
Father five...

Fuck Fucking
Get good Guess
Happy Hard
Hate Head...

Help home
Hope horse
Horses house...

Love lover
Mean Mental
Money Morning...

Mother
Night old
One People...

Point
Pretty pub
Reason Remember...

Right Road
Sun
School suxs Shit...

Sister
Six small
Son...

Stop Story
Think Thirty
Thought three...

Time together
True
Two...

Undiagnosed
Wish Word
Work World...

Write
Wrong Years
Me Myself Eye...

god...

god has a lot to answer for...

August Eighteenth...

Today is...

The day I gave birth day.

War...

War.

Terrorism inflicted by politicians.

Clever Boy...

My Hubby's just discovered something new.

Heterosexual gay sex.

Watch out, Arse.

Wake Me Up...

Wake me up...

When September begins.

Hot Air...

Hot air doesn't rise.

It seeps out from underneath the doona...

Once...

I can do anything...

Once.

My Advice...

Fuck...Like you're being filmed.

Deep Fred Pork Plums...

We ordered Chinese.

Hubby wrote down the order.

I asked for Deep Fried Plum Pork.

He wrote Deep Fred Pork Plums.

Fuck I laughed...

Because I Do...

You don't have to like me Hubby.

Because I do.

Illogical Thinking...

It hurts to breathe.

I'll have a smoke.

Multi Tasking...

Apparently only women can do it.

Much like childbirth.

Finally...

I'm becoming Myself

Typical Twink...

Typical old Twinkle Toes.

Causes a stir then pisses off.

Bad Poetry...

I couldn't see the forest

'cos the trees were in my way

And it wasn't 'til I nearly left

That I knew that I would stay.

For Fork's Sake...

The cutlery drawer is stuck shut...

I have people coming for dinner...

A fork! A fork! My kitchen for a fork!

Why Why Why...

Why don't relatives eat and run?

How Long For..?

Indefinitely. Probably.

A Piece Of Piss...

Giving up smoking is a piece of piss.

For the first twenty minutes...

Me Myself Eye...

For those of you who don't know-

My other(bigger better badder) blog can be found at rnbuffoon.blogspot.com

My Day So Far...

I've made the beds and I'm fucking bored.

Phone-a-phobe...

My Hubby is a Phone-a-phobe.

He won't even ring for pizza.

Whoops...

I spat on the ground...

And the dog ate my Pleurisy.

Useless Fact #793...

I'm wearing a too-small jumper that used to belong to my Eldest Son.

Apparently I'm the same size as a twelve-year-old boy.

If I Should Die...

If I should die before I wake...

at least I'll be asleep and will never know.

Tastes like shit...

If it tastes like shit...don't eat it.

Egg...

How pathetic would you feel if you got caught shop-lifting an egg?

Big Brother...

Don't judge Big Brother contestants.

For some of them this is probably the first group of friends they've ever had.

Working-Life Of A House-Wife...

In my entire adult life I have only worked for two weeks and ten days.

My New Nick-Name...

The Pantless Face-Planter.

The wall hurts.

As If...

As if Gerald McBoing-Boing would have any friends...

Now We Know...

Being personable gets you nowhere.

Truth Be Told...

I'd rather not have my fifteen minutes of fame.

Jumping The Gun...

I'm always jumping the gun.

Makes me sorta glad that I'm not a man...

How Happy Can You Get...

I was so happy and excited that I think I ovulated.

It's A Small World...

Hello to Utah. Sydney. Thornleigh. Brisbane. Armadale. Dublin. Beaver Dam-Wisconsin. Madrid.

Conneticut. Nova Scotia. Kyt-West Finland. Chutung-Taiwan. Auckland.

You All just made the World a little smaller.

Open Letter To Strangers...

To All The Stranger's in the World...

I promise to never seek you out if you promise to do the same for me.

I would Never stalk a Stranger.

Mother Nature Vs god...

Mother Nature shits all over god.

Today's The Day...

Today's the Day...

That I looked in the mirror and thought out loud

"You're okay".

That's never happened before.

Friday...

Thank god it's Friday tommorow...

I love mopping day.

You Said Yes...

I asked you if you still loved me.

You said Yes....

But I don't believe you anymore.

Housework...

Housework.

The pay is shit- but somebody has to do it.

Okay I'm A Bitch...

I might be a bitch but at least I'm not a push-over.

Nobody...

Who can work out the minds of so-called men?

Who Came First...

Who came first?

The chicken or the rooster?

Why Ask Why...

Who cares why men do anything?

Cyber-Freak...

We don't know each other.

I could just be some sort of cyber-freak like you.

I Am A...

Monogomous Slut.

Band Wagon...

Stop trying to jump on my band wagon.

Freaks...

Some people don't like beetroot.

Freaks.

Selfishness...

The cost of being emotionally detached is selfishness.

An Orgasm A Day...

An orgasm a day keeps depression away.

So...kiss me everynight.

Make love to me everyday.

And that will be enough.

As Funny As...

You're about as funny as a horse holding a fishing rod.

Walking Into A Door...

How did I break my tail-bone?

Walking into a door.

Self-Absorption...

Self-absorption leads to the neglect of everybody around you.

I neglect everyone but me.

There's no lunch for pre-school in the morning.

The Truth Is...

You were in a cunt of a mood before we even left the house.

Weren't ya?

Tonight He...

Tonight he came home and pretended that someone had it worse than Me.

They don't.

No Need To Panic...

I was drawing tombstones long before I was a Narcissist.

Not Madonna...

I'd rather do It with Steffani...

Me Me Me...

I'm a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Not Allowed...

I'm not allowed to get cancer.

My Hubby would never support that.

My Plan...

My Mother told me to 'get a plan'.

How about I give her custody of the kids and become a homeless person?

That would solve the problem.

I could just disappear...

If Only...

I would find it funnier...if I had a sense a humour.

Isn't It...?

Just being nice to me is an effort for you.

Isn't it?

How Fucking Dare I...?

You started it Prick.

You were the one who rang up in the middle of ordering a meal with my Parents and Sister's.

I know. I shouldn't have been out.

How fucking dare I.

I'm...

I'm as tarp as a shack.

Affirmation...

I am All of That...

And More.

Why Not Me The Same...?

How come Gemnastic's blog is so popular and mine's not?

All she's doing is writing about her Life and she's well-known for it.

Why not me the same?

I Am The Bird Whistler...

You've heard of the Horse Whisperer right?

Well; I am the Bird Whistler.

For Want Of A Euphemism...

I was battered-savved last night.

Form your own conclusions.

Car-pooling...

Do the Wiggle's really need to car-pool?

Still?

Murray must get sick of those bums hitching a lift in the Big Red Car everywhere they go.

I hope they throw in for fuel.

Dinner Dilemna...

I asked Twink over for dinner and he didn't show.

Flagrant dinner deserter.

I Do...

Thoughts are fleeting
Time is streeting
A head is better than none.
Take a pill and feel the thrill
Then forget the damage that's done.
Carnage. Wastage. Garbage. Rubbish-there
Ain't no word that rhymes with rubbish.
Not unless you'll count in rubber-ish
Rubbery. Robbery. Two-bob bobbery
Bibbity-bobbity-boo.
The point is that I don't Not need Him
The point is that...
I do.

Give It Time...

The only reason he's attracted to her is because he doesn't know about her mood swings... yet.

It Won't Happen To Me...

If he died holding a falafel in his hand then I'm never ever touching one.

A Question For Doctors/Psychics/Chiropractors etc...

Why can't you do it for free like Jesus did?

Too Bad...

If my Hubby doesn't like the new Me too bad...

He didn't like the old Me much either.

The Big Question...

Can you delay the inevitable?

My Hubby...

My Hubby is Possessive/Aggressive.

Copywrite That. 2006.

Did I Forget To Mention...

I was Miss Nude Samurai Beach 2000.

I Like To Think...

I like to think I'm saving water for people to water their drive-ways with.

Job Interview Quip One...

"Please find enclosed a copy of my C.V....

It has been many years since I've had the need for one."

Company Pledge...

"I promise to remain with your company... at least until I sell my first novel."

Has-Beens...

Why would I be a Trade-in for a new model?

I'm a better root than I was when I was seventeen. And twenty-five.

I'm better looking.

Better hair. Better clothes.

Just Better.

Men are the ones who should be afraid they will be traded in.

Has-beens.

In My Humble Opinion...

Mike and The Mechanics ruled over Genesis.

I Would Rather...

I would rather break up than have one more fight with You.

Why fuck me if you don't love me?

Why put me throught That?

It's Lucky...

It's lucky I'm an introvert and can amuse Myself.

Mwaaoh....

One Hundred Posts!

Kiss my Proverbial Arse.

Unless You Want A Stalker...

Unless you want a stalker- you shouldn't fuck just anyone.

The Sad Truth...

I've never been gone long enough for Him to miss me.

Meat Me...

A good housewife is little more than a sex-slave.

I should know.

Meat Me.

Burnt Chop Syndrome...

You'll be pleased to hear that I have recovered from Burnt Chop Syndrome.

Last night I had four lamb chops cooked just the way I like them.

Not a hint of pink.

In Theory...

Drug-sniffing dogs should be able to trace the drug-dealers.

It's a theory and I'm sticking to it.

Fifteen Years...

It's been fifteen years since we met.

But to Him I may as well be the one-night-stand who never went away.

Hot Diggity...

Hotdog?

I'd rather hot pussy.

Guilty Your Honour...

All my life I have been guilty of the simplest thing.

An inability to ask for help.

Wood He...

He wouldn't be able to call me fucked if I was sucking him off.

My Motto...

Get busy doing it and stop being a sook.

Words Of Wisdom...

'There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you"

Nelson Mandela 1994.

Cover Your Bases...

Maybe everyone should start leaving out twenty dollars, a full bottle of Scotch and a foily of grass for thieves.

And a tin of petrol perhaps.

Sorry...But...

I'm not apologising for being myself anymore.

Where Are They???

Where are all the winged maggots?

Give A Fuck...

Why am I the only one who wants to fix this?

Why am I the only one who cares enough to try?

You act like you're doing me a favour going to marriage counselling.

If you could be bothered to give a fuck I sure would appreciate it.

Be Thankful For Small Mercies...

I'm glad my Hubby only shits once a day.

0630 on the .

Go Figure...

It's only when I'm stoned that I decide I can be sober.

Go figure.

Pleased To Meet You...

I'm just your average Pub Hottie.

rn_buffoon...

I am a literal fool.

How Does This Work...

My Hubby punishes me for staying at home by not letting me go out.

Give Me A Job...

I am thirty two years old, have a university degree and yet can't get a job stacking supermarket shelves. I have finished breeding and believe that I am strong, honest and reliable.

Please give me a job.

Anyone?

No Such Luck...

I had rather hoped that the object that rubbed against my lips last night was nothing more than cigarette butt.

No such luck.

There was a dead cockroach in my beer.

I'd Stop What I'm Doing...

If my Hubby would have sex with me.

Right Now.

Open Letter To Cockroaches...

To all the cockroaches in the world

I just can't let you live.

rn_buffoon

I Have Discovered...

The Missing Link.

And his name is...Golden Shower Boy.

A Little Lesson In Theology...

There is no god.

A god would eat Cancer for breakfast.

And I'm not talking about seafood.

My Mate Macca...

I can tell you all my secrets Macca.

You were there when most of my secrets happened.

Sad...But True

I couldn't throw a crayfish in a lobster pot.

December Twenty-third Two Thousand and Five...

Happy New Christmas!

A Little Bit About Me...

I'm the stoned chick with an innertube called Bill Oddie who offered Gemnastics a threesome because she reminds me of my Hubby's ex -and now she's the ninety-sixth visitor to my blog.

Perfect Match...

We are perfect for each other.

I'm needy and he needs someone to look after him.

The Text Of The Year...

People who live in glass onions shouldn't throw stones.

Suffria...Suffria...Suffria...

The words I used when I tried to smother my sister with her pillow.

Lucky me...

Luckily for me my alcoholism overrides my agoraphobia.

Otherwise I'd never make it to the pub at all.

Havoc...

All this bong-smoking...

It's playing havoc with my pleurisy.

Just For The Record...

I can walk out that door whenever the fuck I feel like it.

Three Things...

What do John Howard, broccoli and red cordial have in common?

They are the last three things my Hubby and I have had a fight about.

I'm So Post-Modern...

...I smoked a pen.

...I drink alchohol while I meditate.

...I plucked my own Brazilian.

Three Wishes...

I wish I could be the person that I am- when He's not around- that I am all of the time; as well as when I'm with him.

I wish He was as nice to me as he is to the strangers that he meets.

I wish for three more wishes.

Fuck Off...

I prefer my own company

A Different Chat Up Line...

"Has a half-pissed construction worker ever told you that you look like Demi Moore?"

Well; not until that moment- no.

Driving is an art...

Driving is an art...and I'm an artist.

For John The Painter...

I hope I was a sight for your sore eyes.

Get Well Buddy.

One for the Mums...

Only a mother would know that a coat hanger is aerodynamic